Breaking Past Patterns

You need to have more fun and supportive exchanges, and fewer critical or neglectful ones, in your next relationship.

All serious relationships bring a mixture of good stuff (such as caring, support, and acceptance) and bad stuff (such as criticism, neglect, and manipulation). In the test, when you looked back on your last relationship, you recalled giving more good stuff than he did, while you exchanged about the same amount of bad stuff .

Your last relationship sounds like a series of attacks and withdrawals. Sometimes you criticized and put each other down. Other times, you ignored and neglected each other. You probably felt like you were caught in a vicious cycle.

It's easier for a couple to weather bad stuff when they also share a lot of good exchanges. You gave a lot to your partner, for example, in the form of emotional support. He knew he could count on you to be there for him when he had a problem.

Old patterns can easily repeat themselves. Our brains are wired to seek out and create familiar situations. That's why we often find ourselves having the same types of exchanges over and over again with each new partner. Familiarity is comfortable, and our minds would rather be comfortable than happy. Every time you repeat a relationship pattern, it becomes deeper ingrained and harder to break.

If you can recognize the bad pattern that has trapped you in the past, you can potentially break the cycle. Let your next partner know you're trying to stop being critical or neglectful. Ask him to point out when you're slipping into these old habits. Each time you stop the pattern from repeating, you've made it less familiar and harder for your mind to repeat.